Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My DEV-D Moments

Honestly to begin... I havent still seen this movie though it had intrigued me since day 1 of its release. But the title, the ultimate message of the brutal saga in love-betrayal relationships and daaru has always had infinite appeal to me. I have also been down into my tears as if they were making me high.. which they actually did coz of continuous crying, bad headaches n all... N all dis coz we just want those Bollywood style rosy relationships in our life. They are too good to be true, but we realize dis so late in life.. aftr all the DEV D moments. Thats why this is the first topic i would like to start writing with. I know it sounds fuckin true for most of you...
I think we all are waiting for big big rewards for our goodness, commitment to someone and for the extra terrestrial efforts we undertake all our life to struggle n fit into the order of the society. Theres just no free expression, not until u r driven to the edge of insanity. Thats y majority of the humanity finds solace in alcohol, drugs, and smokes.. Self depreciation is any day better than slaughtering someone.. wht say?
My Dev D moments go way back to my 6th Standard, when the whole issue of wht my life is all about started takin its toll on me.
I was a middle-class gal with all the energy in the world to keep her parents happy n still allow my basic nature of naughty and endless trouble to keep up in sync with it all.. I miserably failed!
7th standard onwards, attaining more marks in exams n wathcing less tv, n all dat crap started becomin very,very fragile ideas of life n suddenly i was like, hey hey..wht on earth? is this really it?
The nights of horror with my parents - the broken spatulas, disappeared leather belts and the black n blue tattoos on my body made me feel i must b an object worth hating. They continued to become more. Because i thot all the unhappiness n disturbance in my house was because of me- n i also went onto a conquest to punish myself. The sheer pain of physical torture, of going on the edge of terraces, poppin expired medicines n the despair of not findin a sharp enough knife to slit my wrists always drowned me more in my tears n questions.
It took me a long time, n a presence of a strong force around me to initiate anti thoughts to this conviction that i was bad.
What happened, n how? But years later i realized, that the people for whom i grew against myself wer dumber than me. They probably never must hav even asked themselves this question of 'what my life's purpose is' even once in their life.
They were married, they got kids within record time for society to not question their sexuality n then life was only a struggle to raise kids n live thru each day. Every day was an effort. Where was the happniess, where was the need to associate closely to ur own kin. Today those same ppl feel dat kids r a nuisance coz they MAY end up not thinkin abt the parents (here my basic attitude went into a complete friction with dis) ..but thanks to the absurdities of life- i m a sane, calm person n my only prerogative to dis life is to be good to others. Coz i know everyone out there needs it. Everyone wants to feel wanted, loved n to be able to give their best. Because i had felt the same in those DEV D times of mine, that i used to lose hope in life n feel emptied from within. I wanted someone to love me, to encourage me, to let me jus be. Probably i still look at all relationships of mine wit this same expectation. I still long to keep dat innocence alive no matter wht i would lose in d process. Love is the everythin on dis planet. It can make u the best or it can turn u in to the worst.

Well folks i have gone long into the past n the moments to sum up into my first blog topic. I would really stop at this general topic. In my next post, i wud elaborate on the next phase of my life - puberty, romance n guys!!
Ciao!

2 comments:

  1. Hey not bad at writing at all!
    Carry on .. we are competing for the publishing rights down the years....
    Okay so what shall we call you Biography?
    Mmmm.... Bev.D ?
    Lov you lotsss. Be the same forever!

    ReplyDelete
  2. well written sne, but i'm shocked! what's all this? blue tattoos and expired pills and all? And I didn't get this, 'not question their sexuality'. ? But great title! dev-d moments. nice.

    ReplyDelete