Wednesday, July 13, 2011

And the tough gets going.

Possibly the toughest phase of my life. Like always,I have defied the customary regular straight path to anything. I have been without a job and getting another one seems like a lottery. Not because I can't, but this time I am serious about my career and which way I take now on really decides my life.

My priorities shifted and shook like a tsunami. Life suddenly seemed extremely real.
There were issues, money issues, experience issues, job issues, strained relationship issues n on n on.
I felt from within like a hapless soul. I knew I am jacked for the first time. My own words of Chill, it will happen soon, started scaring me.

I was frantically moving about meeting people I thought I would never meet again. I was asking for help. I had no time to think or be worried about my ego and stupid things. Nothing mattered as it mattered. I was saving my life literally. I remember weeks and weeks of agony of trying everything I could and waiting for a message or a call or an email and not seeing it. I could not sit back and wonder at my bad luck. There was no time for that. If not this, the next best thing ..Move On Sne! The stress was having me..eating into my water weight, my appetite, buying anything I avoided as much I could, I felt guilty to eat anything out if I felt hungry. I subjected myself to feel what I was actually going through.
I met up with my professor who became a dear friend, she was a nice counsellor as she was a professor of Pscychology. Meeting her really made me come to terms with my current reality. She did not give me any high advice. She just made it simple for me. And so did the many people, figures I met for the first time in the past 4 months. That everyone had their share of dark days, struggle and coping up.
She did not become any magician for me. It was a call to go back to my creator, put my faith in Him that He is there for me and that I should trust every part of this process and that I am gonna come out fine and better.

Despite the pain and agony, I liked that my days in this phase as they were different. I could not sleep. My brain was thinking ahead..and not backwards. I would get up out of fear. I would run around, travel all over the city as many times as I could. Though I have been broke for a very long time, my money has not disappeared. It sufficiently helps me live. I became humble towards my situation, others and most importantly I am humble towards myself.

Nothing came out from criticizing and pushing myself or berating myself over. I had to love myself no matter what, afterall I was the worst critic of another of God's creation. I had to trust Him to be taking care of me and I had to live with that realization, every moment. Now my phase is still the same but the unfounded fears and panic attacks have gone. So has the anger and hardened feelings melted. Now I am at the turn towards the greatest moments in my life.
Grab thy arm with love and take one self with you ahead.. to paradise!

Amen.