Saturday, December 7, 2013

Simplicity - the ultimate sophistication?



Such a simple statement in the words of Leonardo Da Vinci. Sounds good to hear but it is such an irony. Simplicity and sophistication, sophistication is intricate to say the least and simple just seems simple.
Simplicity does not seem to be so simple afterall.

While trying to keep things simple, the doer shall realize exactly how tough is actually gets. Its not so simple to be or do simple.

I crave a simple life. In my definition, simple entails non-complex thinking and simple expectations and simple demands, minimum stress relationships. I have the clarity that this is what I want. Yet while dealing with my simple desires when I check on my thinking, its way complex. My situations and events perpetuate in my head more than what I envisaged it to be the simple I thought in them.

And I wonder why. Why would it be so difficult to have it simple? Apparently to have it stress free and smooth would mean having a lot of the complex dealt with way before it starts to look simple and easy. Cause nothing is really easy.

The modern equivalent to living would be 'Uneasy lies the head', whether you have the crown or not. Its uneasy.

Here's quoting an EDM song -

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?


Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?



Thursday, December 5, 2013

......To Be Rescued



One of the tragic expectations that gets embedded in us since our younger years, is our waiting for some knight to ride to us and rescue us from whatever situation we could be in. Now translating to a real world scenario, any risk situation which we want to run away from is a problem and anyone who shows you a little hope that time or gives us those temporary wings (could be a doobie for sakes) is interpreted as the knight in shining armor.

Look at the obsession we have with the super heroes and their advancements with the passage of time. We still believe there is the one out there. Either they could be Gods or demi gods. We also have a variety to choose from who rescues us. For sometime when good was no more prevailing over evil and evil was suddenly glamorous.. my rescue came in the form of dark characters like evanescence songs, the Joker from The Dark Knight or the negative characters from our movies or series like Dexter.
I was totally in awe of the negative portrayal of a heroine in a suspense thriller of the 1990s. I looked at people I hated with that cold look and prided that it worked. It kept the menace away. My rescue princess was loved.

Times change. Our novelty is ever fading. New subjects take our fancy, but our need remains pretty much the same. Its like addiction. If you got over one thing, you catch on something else as your new occupation of the time that the addiction leaves bare suddenly.

There is so much of R rated stuff bombarded on us through television, advertisements like sex, masochistic twists, fetishes that after the de-sensitization process, we crave something different.
No wonder then the now in vogue - SHERLOCK, Benedict Cumberbatch becomes a delight as he repels women on their face and bashes the world left, right and centre and there, he is your modern day hero. You want to talk like that, behave like that - Be a recluse, thwart people around and celebrate your obsession as a way of life. He has been a rescue for a voracious appetite of gay abandon and women who were wanting something apart from knifed abs worth grating cheese.

What I intend to bring to attention is number one - our mind is running out of novelty to experiment and bring excitement to our fast but now mundane routine lives and number two - our deep want of wanting to be rescued.

A sign of heroism - even if that is emotional abuse actually and we spread our arms to be rescued. We are looking for heroes and we aren't finding any. Every one from your politicians to nations are now in the sweltering, swelling technology ridden media for being equal confusing and troubled normal human beings who fall prey to lust, greed and self-indulgence. Higher the power rank more the indulgence. Like the Berlusconis of the world, they must be congratulating themselves for getting a good chunk of PR done while they did it all. How much coverage is given to someone who tried making a real difference to real world problems. After the affairs of the great come the wardrobe malfunctions of the Not-So-big and then there. They made it Big!

I am sure Timothy Mac Veigh had a minimalistic fan following because he was a good looking terrorist who was executed for the Oklahoma Bombings which was a horribly sensational attack before the 9/11 attacks.

Is there a rescuer? Who is it? I would say it is a trend setter who may take things to the next level of Difference making. In the world of followers, what entails as rescue?

I am concluding this one.
;)



Friday, November 22, 2013

Much too much!


Sailing smooth isn't my first nature. And getting used to a life where sailing smooth does indeed exist has ironically been a rocky ride for me. 

I had labelled certain things in the attempt to move on from the pending drama in certain situations. I had to shake it all up. Let some fresh air into the system just as some fresh ideas and people into my life. 
2013 doesn't sound like a great year but it was the best. Intense. 
Its already nearing a close. And somehow I am unable to sum it up in certainties. 
I spend a full day wondering what I am upto and where have I reached. That we have GPS systems to make our location hunting easier, it is imperative to know exactly where you are so that it can do its work. 
So where am I? A whole day of scouting stuff online and in a bookstore and I neared a panic attack. Handling capacities are much better. Test one passed. 

Sometimes even optimism seems like a dark humor, something you need to soon get away from. That is psychosis of the high order. Some days, the dark and rush of hormones seem like a much needed break from monotony. A wandering spirit like I feel, its a relief to be lost. These are the times I can't bear the noises of monotony. 

How do you decide when is much...just too much? 

We do talk of the proverbial lines to define certaain limits, territories. I can't figure them out. Where is the line? What makes me not equally there as much I am here.. Do our talks and the way we use words and situations really make sense. Do I need to agree to common head nodding lines like - what goes around, comes around and I believe in Karma. Not always. 

Mostly we all are just using these elements to be able to talk to each other. Even while stating our ideas and beliefs, we can catch ourselves lying. But we lie and the audience agrees to you as if they believed it themselves. And it reaches a point of too much.
Truth isn't definite. Its equally a relative concept to time. Who invented the word truth? We would be better off not knowing it. Seeking truth, speaking truth..isn't is too much pressure. Our lives don't seem designed to be truthful. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

In Security!


Security. Did I sum it all up when I say this word. I hear this word a lot. Infact, I have been hearing for as long as ever from my parents, peers, mentors, teachers. Why is security such a big deal. Life is nothing but perpetual uncertainty yet planning, society norms, rituals and paperwork is something we depend our life on.

There are two aspects to this. One is when you really freak out and do everything it takes to secure yourself. You will count what you do, what you get. Give as much as you get and never get into a risky scenario.
Most of the general public lives by this.
Then there is a maddening aspect - where you will build yourself strongly for every insecurity, keep replaying the lack of it in your head and wait for it to actually happen in your life so you feel good you invested in a kind of security insurance program. (Well I don't think even being prepared for your worst loss actually subtracts anything from the pain you may feel then.) But as we evolved and lost out the need of an appendix, we also evolved to such an extent as to train our minds to not want the things we really need the most.
This is one sickness that has engulfed us in recent times, struggling against all the insecurities around and keep looking for a sane corner.

Agreed. Times have really changed. ( like they have for all the millions of years), times are tough ( they never were supposed to remain the same), it used to be easier before ( Bitch please)... Our mind really has no constructive work, does it?

After a detailed discussion with a few peers, we all asked and stopped at - When do we ever feel secure?
When is a time in life after which you really start to only think a positive outcome to whatever happens in life and know that you are indeed fine. Perhaps never, atleast in our minds.

When I feel responsible for every bloody thing happening around me or the lack of control on everything around me - I palpitate and keep wondering the outcomes. And its a nice little drama scene I go through.
Conclusion - I just waste two days of my time to get back to normal. When I am normal, I can easily know that I cannot possibly be controlling anything. Everything is flowing, it flows around me, in front of me, ahead of me and I am one of the many elements in this flow. So I basically am not responsible for most of the things that happen. I do definitely have the power to react and choose the many options which I feel may have been predecided. Then why the worry, the panic? My ancestors may know.

I don't always have answers. I am not always the same person. I am neither good nor bad. I am no definition. I am no security. I am no prediciton.

Some wise man said these words to me as much as he took the pain to imprint them on his forearm - seize the moment. What is that we have really got,what is our own? Just our own self, our breath and this passing moment  - a small drop in the ocean, a moment that could possibly have the potential of a great future to be build. What do we do with it? We worry about security! Isn't it something that crosses our mind.. for eg. what if i lose - my house, my lover, my reputation, my job, my earnings, my friends, ....a lot can go in this list. We should wonder what will happen if we lose ourselves. Quite damaging. We do lose our self by obsessing over things in our head and forgetting what we truly have got with us - the moment. Then the mind keeps holding us down to keep us safe.
We are more hurt by the fear of getting hurt. We don't value our self enough to look at the same losses and think I am better off without it. Our opinion is swayed by people, current influences, circumstances but our own judgement. So where would security be? It definitely doesn't come in a questionnaire from a magazine about whether you are a control freak or no.

Then where? Its right here with you. Right now. Within you. Waiting for you to see the other side. How lucky are you to get till here. How secure it is that when you fear losing some one moron, there are other little souls waiting for you to call them and say Hi, How have you been?

Security, the same wise person said, is a feeling. A thought. Its there if its there or else it isn't. It never really exists for sure in any material form. So despite the paperwork, promises, rituals, future predictions and assurances, you still feel a tingling feeling inside that it may all still fall apart.

The fact is, and you would notice it, that someday you may lose it all and you will be okay. You will breathe and be alive to notice it didn't really kill you. That you have not actually lost but gained something you cannot explain.You will then look at the same situation so differently you wouldn't even remember how much you fretted for this disaster. Because it won't matter.





Saturday, September 28, 2013

Tis a Saturday Night ;)


A slow day... I love differentitating days based on feelings. A day where I wanted to run, but it wanted me to slow down. A perfect wine n titbits day to go with mindless sitcom watching, laughter n me time before I find another song on the sound track and start grooving like there is no tomorrow.

My days are pretty much routine, n I intend to be a little more smooth with the operations. My priorities settled, it should be easier to operate around the clock. But sometimes, I sway to my own rhythm.

Like checking out the supermarket just like that, buying second hand magazines, trying out clothes not at all interested in buying, creating my own version of the last Adele song I heard and wishing someone recorded the audio and video simultaneosly. Watching a crap movie to bash the hell out of it, calling a random friend and making him talk on controversial subjects and laughing away in silence on the other end of the phone. Purposely mixing up dishes in the kitchen and wonder how it tastes, introducing my parents to gingerale and telling them it gets you high, messaging random 10 -12 people and seeing their responses to you getting in touch with them, talking to them like you seriously mean it, trying to arrange my work schedule and getting distracted by the wardrobe I need to arrange, thinking of someone and feeling my eyes get wet then laughing it out like that just happened to me, feeling depressed hoping to get a poem out of me, gathering the recent events to work out a topic worth writing, to hate and love someone at the same time for the same things, talking to myself like I am rehearsing an audition and wondering why the street walkers are staring at me, gobbling panipuris coz they just happen to be in front of me every evening nowadays, walking around without a purse, wondering how those two bitchy ladies are running a cupcake shop, wondering about the next surprise I am going to give myself, trying to sleep, stretching all of a sudden coz I haven't exercised in a long time, looking at my shoes and wondering why I need them new every fortnight, calculating expenses and waiting for the lottery to find me, wanting to buy that chocolate eclair, resigning to a lonely saturday night and writing this down, finding a song on a video and listening to it back to back and perked up at a happy alone night less of all the nonsense I was trying to get into.

I am still trying to find out if I can do anything good on this Saturday alone.... Its a day gone by and nothing feels like its moved.

Really?
;) 

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Aggression personified?


We are young and angry. Our actions show our restlessness when we so want things to go our way and situations to be in our control. It is then positively and constructively necessary for progression.

I loved being angry, reckless and unabashedly ruthlessly rude. I didn't enjoy it. It just became a part of me coz otherwise I was this timid, self less, poor creature getting swayed by anyone. Well, who was going to see that. I grew up in violence, the one that you can't bear to digest every night and go to sleep with. But sleep, I had to. And I learnt to sleep with whatever happened.
Eventually, it became a part of my slumbered consciousness and it started reflecting in everything I did. For me, I was still a timid creature trying to find its way across and fighting demons along the way. Basically I was fighting just anyone and demons...I did not who they were.

Till a few years ago, as I played fair with this big, bad world... I never minced my painful words. I thought what harm can words do any which ways. We all talk bullshit most of the time. No matter how many chances I gave to people, they never acted or stood by what they said. So it was perfectly fine to be as crazy and let it out of my system in the most outspoken words.

In this menace, I shattered people. Those who live with me everyday. Their curiosity was my trigger point and my hurt was my defense. We all spoke what we never meant. But words, my friends, they stay.
They make a slow place inside your head and haunt you. You have to live with them so they do change something in you. A spiral of such repeated instances and some enlightened streak of lightening that must have passed through me, I was suddenly aware that if, and only if, I stop looking at these creatures as being perfect and out to get me and just allow them to be human, miserable and in a much worse state than me, will my words matter?

N when you are gifted with a new perception, those same things, threats start looking like pitiful conditions when someone needed your attention much more than hurting you deliberately. That there is no escaping communicating with anyone. Let it be your enemy for that matter.
When I shut myself and thought, if no words pass through me, nothing will ever change and no one would suffer.. little did I know what a grave sin that possibly is.
So stopping communication, avoiding people, places, any social confrontations... I reached a point where living also seemed a burdened non necessity. Locked up in my house and more so in my thoughts, I grew to be anti social.
It takes a life out of you to unlearn and relearn your lessons and beliefs. I came to terms with the fact that I caused much worse hurt when I was silent than when I chose the wrong words and hurtled them.

Today was such a day.... In a wake of certain irritations and my dipping sustenance of nonsense, I spoke what I felt and bashed up the unsuspecting, not so capable person in front of me and reduced him to pieces.
It felt really bad. I haven't regretted this in a long time. It got me thinking again - of all the times -- I was quiet and suffering, then the phase where I was bashing everything coming my way, then getting drained and staying low, being anti social and again trying to pinch my tongue to talk appropriate.....eventually Does It All Matter?

Maybe I don't reach my goals as much, maybe I made a little less money, maybe someone pushed me on the subway, maybe they cut lanes and jerked ahead of me, maybe they walked all over me.... What Have I Really Lost?

Nothing. When your giant ego goes away..... there remains no comparison, no judgement. You may getting walked over and used and yet you maybe enjoying the whole process. So it just comes down to going deep inside. That universe which is yours. If you enjoy being screwed in life, then no one else can call it pain.
So is my aggression to make my point necessary? No. Its not.

THINK. 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Story Teller


In my respite of just meeting people and figuring out things with their opinions n guidance, I unearthed some interesting facts about people. Well for me, I have always been this person to have asked my friends, peers what would they do in my situation and what best should I do for myself. Right now, it sounds stupid to me as well. But looking at the brighter side I have observed people long enough that they ended up completely revealing themselves to me. Towards the end of the talk, it used to only be about what they think is the best for them and how well it works. 

I think asking for help, generally is interpreted to that person that somebody is asking for a way of life. And they start to preach you about how you must live your life, make your choices. 

For me it worked. I completely lost focus of my problems as my mind got fodder to churn. And it was interesting to note the different characters hidden under those people. As a film maker, this is crucial research information. And I plan to really showcase people. Emotions, reactions.. endless and unpredictable. Because human as a resource is the most comprehensive, difficult to gauge and endless. 

I would like to thank a lot of such fellows in my life..who have opened up not just their regular but 'other side' and yes everyone has an other side. And its lovely. Everyone has a rationale behind their choices as to what suites them. And its no longer a world of black and white, its only grey. 

Everyone is right in their own Story. 

Fiction piece


It was a hazy Sunday afternoon. She was sitting by the window looking up at the dull sky. Her look was consistent and intense as if it ordered the sky to change its look. She kept sipping her tea slowly. She never liked to drink her tea in a haste. It had to stay as long as she believed it could. That was her satisfaction. Her thoughts were clouding her just like the sky.. she hated them. Her fight was unconsciously making her sip the tea faster. 

The evening before had not been a pleasant one. His words were ringing. How could Volt..?? He did not hurt her as much as she was hurting herself now. Why did she ever trust him? She couldn't let go. The tea was gulped down and the cup went straight back to its place. Not a good sign.

Earlier evening - 
Joh walked towards the cafe. She always did. It gave her the 10 odd minutes before the meeting to pace down and arrive at just the right time. Fingers fidgeting, she checked her phone every 4th second. She saw his car pull up outside the cafe. Her walk was now confident and she strutted. She walked over and greeted Volt. 
As agreed, she was supposed to get her documents, certificates and it was going to be one meet with the HR and they were going to be done. 
Joh was always prepared for work. She knew Volt since her first year at Maddison. Always guiding and cheering her towards better opportunities. Her mentor when she would just walk out of a job. 
It was happening for the 20th odd time. The process was similar. And she was prepared. She was light and carefree and they were laughing away her episodes of professional hazards. 
As their light hearted conversations went on and the Americanos' were half over, Joh enquired about the HR. And there it came. 
'I love you Joh. Too much. You just had to know now.' 
Joh was still. Maybe she did not hear him. Maybe she did. Maybe she did not know she did. 'It must be a joke. Maybe its okay to say what you feel. Wait! What?'
She heard it. Her face was talking and her mouth wanted to attempt but she could not. 
Fingers had started to fidget again. She wanted to keep staring down at him in disbelief but she feared he would read her. Unsure her hands went to her phone, flip check, flip lock. She grabbed her papers. Straigtening her posture and her fast hand knocked the glass off the table. Her body was quivering and talking agitation. She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the cafe. 

Joh was never good at reactions. She was filled with defence. She knew she was not strong. She knew her first expression would be hurt. She never wanted anyone to see that.Her pace became faster. At time when you Don't want one.. taxis started crowding her asking her where to go. She just had to give a look. She walked fast and hard. She could not breathe. 
There was no thought in her head. She was so blank, that she waited on the divider staring at the clear road in front of her. She did not cross. A passing truck honked right next to her. Now she was thinking a little. She crossed and hailed a cab. 

She breathed deeply. He had said this for the 5th time- after breaking her heart every time he ate his words. Maybe he would again say he was sorry and he never meant it. She hated ever believing him to be friends and going back. 

Volt - "Did I say I love you? No Joh.. You must be hearing things. Or I don't know if I am hallucinating. Melanie would know - the medication is heavy.'


TBC

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Its magic on the floor


A free spirit,
A laugh fresh from inside,
A smile that kills,
as he sways to the rhythm of life
I love to watch him dance..

Who cares about perfection,
when you are on the floor,
and care he doesn't
as he moves to the beat,
and the music

His body flows like a wave,
his energy comes hurtling at me,
as I clasp in his awesomeness..
That it could be such a delight
to express oneself..

The magic engulfs, as I
let my hair do the talking,
we move and fly across the floor,
in a slow rhythm,
as goes in my imagination

I reach for his smiling face,
and enlighten my own...
we share the laugh,
spill the happiness,
and float around,
to someone else.

Grooving to the heartbeat,
swaying like the blood
all alive, yes this is life.
But who can explain,
that killer smile,
n the feelings that arise
All in me.


Sunday, June 23, 2013

Bleed


Always vocal. Aren't we? When do we shut up?
The house is quiet, yet screaming..
Water runs for no purpose,
Plates make so much noise,
I hear glass, its gonna break,
and it does..

Every element is talking
for the person who yearns to,
there is friction,
every act is making sound,
inner desires r burstling out,
loneliness is killing you,
yet, you take your plate and eat

No one knows love,
no one knows what you lose,
but the stomach is hungry,
the soul is starving,
What is left..
break glass..
Its a settled feeling,
that something is happening,

As they bleed,
we all succumb into our own web,
we are all silent,
but we are screaming.

And the glass will break..
just like my heart,
broken , unbroken
just like what you do with leftover glass,
you break it as much,
its useless, so break it,
the feel of relief to do so

Ears can't close,
the mind gets stronger,
voices you can't drown.
just as they stop outside,
they take over from the inside..

Just if, there was no desire,
to eat, to love and to share,
What a silence would that be..
Or will I still hear breaking glass
just like now
when it is so quiet,
it could kill







Monday, June 17, 2013

Crashed, Burned, Saved, Survived, Loved


Crash And Burn by Savage Garden 





When you feel all aloneAnd the world has turned its back on youGive me a moment pleaseTo tame your wild, wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on youIt's hard to find reliefAnd people can be so coldWhen darkness is upon your doorAnd you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you callIf you jump I'll break your fallLift you up and fly away with you into the nightIf you need to fall apartI can mend a broken heartIf you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
When you feel all aloneAnd a loyal friend is hard to findYou're caught in a one-way streetWith the monsters in your headWhen hopes and dreams are far awayAnd you feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you callIf you jump I'll break your fallLift you up and fly away with you into the nightIf you need to fall apartI can mend a broken heartIf you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
Because there has always been heartache and painAnd when it's over you'll breathe againYou'll breathe again

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This song by Savage Garden. So where do I start? Firstly I saw song on MTV like ages ago, once or twice. All that I remember was the tune when he says 'then crash and burn you're not alone' and the hand gestures that he does to convey that. I found this song on Youtube like 15 years or so later. 


The meaning of this song by this time now..  had totally turned into unreal, too 80s and 90s stuff. Stupid promises, shallow lyrics. I still listen to this song for the very music I fell for. I mean.. I, as of today, as of a few months completely thwarted these kind of reassuring words. Reassurance as I felt is a sedative given so that you fall equally hard but you drop your guard while you are falling. I hated such words. Loathed them. Give it to me real was what I propagated through my every walk and talk. 


Having totally pressed up my belief system in survival and law of jungle mode, I never wanted to turn the other cheek you see. But this life thing as much hard and cruel it may get, gives me as much...like a sea change, waves pouncing on me, roaring in my ears, pulling away all that I have gathered to unlearn. Time is changing, the past never looked better and the future is the best form of present. 
As I put my headpnones on and hear this same song, I see that person in front of my eyes waving his hands to me telling me, making me feel those words true.. not as words but as actions.  

Now go back to the start of the page and re-read those lyrics and believe it happening just the way I had to. Again and again.. 

Ok done. 








Thursday, June 13, 2013

Raining

If the tense of my blog subject should say anything, I would like to attribute this to my living in the present. It takes a while to get rid of your earlier beliefs, notions and way of living.
My habits were more of a personal remorse nature. Nobody outside had anything to do with it. I lived on an existential plane of my own ideas and sorry but no one was invited there. Why would you wanna know?

I make oh so many plans.... Plans which enable me to live as if its a reason necessary to. No plan and I almost coolly conclude my life to be over so what if I was still breathing. As dark as the humor of life, I have got this dark humor of my own for life. We live in fair play. Again, my need to have everything be fair.

I am a freak when it comes to control. Things have to be in order, surprises have to be guessable and change is welcome but my mind should have done the recce of the new space beforehand. I gallantly have been placing my own bets and shoulds on how things should unfold with me.
I encourage this humongous task on The Almighty force of life to shake me from the core and jerk me out of stupid rigid fallacies. And succeed it does eventually. What were my plans!

Incidentally, welcoming a sea change in the arena of thought control, I decided to give it all up.
It was not working out. I overworked without pay, my poor hapless but seeking mind, to stop investing itself on the volatility of the power of this amazing life.

I do understand the nuances of surrender. You know what I mean.. When you push all the responsibility and blame on that unknown faithful, hopeful entity to take care of you. Seems fine to start with. But babe, I ain't stopping thinking. I need to know, I need to work my thought through.
Can't unthink and not think.

I have given up the need to know. I don't wanna know. Yes somethings will
go...some places I won't be available, some one will get hurt, someone won't be able to take this change. Fine, I can't help it. It's not me. I want this machine inside to rest a while.
I want it to feel and laze and still know that it's taken care of.

It's raining. Let it rain.
Wash away the thoughts,
Dust away those layers,
Undo the scars, if you may...
I am coming home,
Give me space.


Sunday, June 2, 2013

Good ol' hair days


Whatever happened to men with nice, flowing, silky hair..
This thought perturbed me whenever I saw a hot piece of ass and moved my eyes up.. 'Yikess! The hair.'
You may think me judgemental and very hair freaky but I did not pay much attention to it till ofcourse it was mentioned to me as to what a hair really is to a man.

I always loved the eyes. A freely given smile or a hearty laugh and I was done. I was never really into a man's body as such. I hated over worked out looks. Those 'watermelons under my under arms and awkward walk coz I forgot to work my legs out' - loathe it.
Over gelled, martian looks, eyebrows better than mine and cleaned up skin - god I need men back.

I dated someone with the hair of a porcupine. Everytime I wanted to express my fondness and move my hand into his hair I got the red flag - "It takes too much effort to set them like that. Ohh. I gelled my hair too young and now I have very rough, straight growth of hair. So please, don't touch my hair."
You cannot not touch someone's hair when you are into them. All this caution-precaution finally caught my attention to the hair. And as I saw closely, men no more had those flowy, soft hair and they fuss about you touching them.

I was missing the hair suddenly. I wanted to rub someone's hairdo and wanted them to smile about it. I was getting yelled at instead. Damn those ads and films that show a chick doing that to the guy's hair and it being an act of affection.

I was then wandering around just looking at hair, seeing the patterns. What have these people done to their hair. And just once in a while I would get a glimpse of some bouncy, healthy, soft hair on a man and I would go awww... that! I wanna feel that.

Its a year since I have these hairy thoughts and now I have a classic man who I can just keep looking and appreciating like a piece of art. He has the eyes, the smile, the twinkle, THE HAIR - soft and I can feel them as much as I want to and the most amazing skin that I have ever felt. None of those weirdass notions exist, no nakhraas...
Don't know but I think I fell for the hair on the head and the lack of it everywhere else.....

:)




Thursday, January 31, 2013

Truth about Lies




One of the first lessons that I remember learning when I was small was to always tell the truth. I took it very seriously. Just when I was settling with a bare open relationship between truth and me and whoever demanded that truth, I also got introduced to some people as 'elders', caretakers, relatives, important office people from my parents's work places. That is when I was told to behave myself, never eat more than one cookie, to say that I loved their food eventhough the curry lacked spice. My confused face started since then. I never knew - whether the truth really mattered. But as a whole, I was again reminded to speak the truth - always. 

What I happened to take from here was a lesson that no matter how tough, how heart breaking, I shall always be truthful. I would tell my aunt her food sucked, I would beat up my brother if he lied, I would tell some guests to go away from home because I wanted to sleep and in no mood to entertain. I thought I was being brave and fair, I was speaking the truth. 

I eventually realized nobody likes to hear the truth. Even if they advocate it, even if they wanted it..they will still frown upon HOW I told them the truth. 
I, according to my folks, am a rude person. I only talk things which hurt. So my next question was whether I should lie. But I could not. I should learn to pretend. I could not. The first lesson was deeply ingrained in my sub conscious and I took pride in the fact that I could say the truth without any sugar coating. 

I thought I was real. No. I was a fool. People don't like you to tell them whats true or lie. They want you to make them feel important, loved and even if its the harshest thing, say it with all the love and humility to ease the blow. 

I just love to honestly talk about the worst things more than the beautfiul things. Because when you appreciate, as a default nobody takes it so seriously. Tell them 'you suck' and they want to know why. So its never about being rigid with your beliefs. They have to be altered with reference to situations, conditions, people - all of which don't give respect to the 'truth' according to me. 

Eventually I chanced upon what truth is. Truth is not talking something honest devoid of any emotion, like a fact. Truth just is. I talk or I don't. It will exist on its own. Even when you excuse people or take a leave in office saying you have a headache, they all know you are lying. But this is socially acceptable. It is the way we live. 
What would we all be without lies. We have different degrees to lying but truth is complete in itself. Just like light, which can be dim or bright but darkness is totality. 
And as far as my seeking goes, I am not interested in the varying shades of lies but in the totality of the truth. 

Truthfully saying, as of now in my life, I do not know whether I am still the truth person or the bigesst liar. 
Because this analysis and justification of true, lies and the human interaction has numbed my understanding and beliefs. I catch myself in a conversation, talking the biggest crap because otherwise I would not have any conversation with the other person at all. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Clean your slate



'Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.'



What are you made of? You are cells, tissues, blood, heartbeat, thoughts.. What is your personality? Is it your thoughts..yes your thoughts over a lifetime. Thoughts become beliefs, beliefs become character. Its the hugest investment in your life. Your beliefs and your experience make up your personality.
So basically your personality is nothing but your baggage. No baggage is no personality. Which is then the samadhi state of realization that you are One with the Universe.

As much it is important to be the Person that you are as of now, it's important for some introspection to seep into your routine life from time to time to clean your slate.
We are humans. The base of our instincts and our knowledge is the wisdom of the evolution over all the years. We are bound to compare, judge. No matter how much we want we cannot escape these attributes because these are our own.

So take your time and clean up the residue that may stick around in your mind. So that you can allow the newer experiences and wisdom to take root.





Sunday, January 13, 2013

My Notes - Part 1


'I wanted to reach what was right on the right paths. And so I began to live mistaken.'  go the great words of Antonio Porchia 


My Notes on BB started in Delhi. I had stayed over at a friend's place. I vividly remember that first night. It was a dark room and the whole house scared me with its first look because it seemed haunted. It was 2 am in the night. A realization dawned onto me.
I hurried to scribble it down. That's when my BB came n handy. 

'I have lived my life trying to prove something to someone. My life is not my own. I go way far to be accepted, loved and valued. And I did not get any. 
I am living someone else's priorities. I have gone far enough to make someone's life my own. I felt I was escaping horror. I now realize this is the very horror. 
I would be hurt by judgments. I hate them, loathe them. But I did not hate those who made those judgments. I instead tried loving them more and I took upon the task to self manipulate my way into their lives so I can stand as that unshakable epitome of Perfection.'

I would customize and rewire my thoughts, attitudes and actions or I believed I managed it well. But eventually in some months, the facade would give way. I would see myself as an eccentric, rebellious, frenzied, hapless soul on fire. Something totally beyond my control took me over and made me react like no other normal entity. 

I was in denial. I had a tough time accepting that there was a person that was me. I manipulated it as many times as to not know which one was really me. 
I woke up that night and I knew that there would come a moment now wherein I will have to face it and accept it as an indelible part of me. Such confrontations are bold and necessary to life. But we take the route to hide from it;not realizing that nothing is hidden. We only allow the fear to take over.
I never looked back post that realization. Some relations were hurt but that was what I was trying to save every other time,by killing a little part of me in the process. They had to be hurt. How could they digest this revelation about me that I myself thwarted aside as a lie. 
I allowed the damage to happen. Again I label it damaging yet. It was life saving for me. Damaging for someone's reliance on that Part of me which wasn't me.  Maybe that's what they call 'evolution'. 

Though I still have to remind myself to be in my essence and not let anyone walk over me with their strong opinions, it is a conscious, long process.
It was dark. That night it was very very dark.