Showing posts from 2013

Simplicity - the ultimate sophistication?

Such a simple statement in the words of Leonardo Da Vinci. Sounds good to hear but it is such an irony. Simplicity and sophistication, sophistication is intricate to say the least and simple just seems simple.
Simplicity does not seem to be so simple afterall.

While trying to keep things simple, the doer shall realize exactly how tough is actually gets. Its not so simple to be or do simple.

I crave a simple life. In my definition, simple entails non-complex thinking and simple expectations and simple demands, minimum stress relationships. I have the clarity that this is what I want. Yet while dealing with my simple desires when I check on my thinking, its way complex. My situations and events perpetuate in my head more than what I envisaged it to be the simple I thought in them.

And I wonder why. Why would it be so difficult to have it simple? Apparently to have it stress free and smooth would mean having a lot of the complex dealt with way before it starts to look simple and easy. C…

......To Be Rescued

One of the tragic expectations that gets embedded in us since our younger years, is our waiting for some knight to ride to us and rescue us from whatever situation we could be in. Now translating to a real world scenario, any risk situation which we want to run away from is a problem and anyone who shows you a little hope that time or gives us those temporary wings (could be a doobie for sakes) is interpreted as the knight in shining armor.

Look at the obsession we have with the super heroes and their advancements with the passage of time. We still believe there is the one out there. Either they could be Gods or demi gods. We also have a variety to choose from who rescues us. For sometime when good was no more prevailing over evil and evil was suddenly glamorous.. my rescue came in the form of dark characters like evanescence songs, the Joker from The Dark Knight or the negative characters from our movies or series like Dexter.
I was totally in awe of the negative portrayal of a hero…

Much too much!

Sailing smooth isn't my first nature. And getting used to a life where sailing smooth does indeed exist has ironically been a rocky ride for me. 
I had labelled certain things in the attempt to move on from the pending drama in certain situations. I had to shake it all up. Let some fresh air into the system just as some fresh ideas and people into my life.  2013 doesn't sound like a great year but it was the best. Intense.  Its already nearing a close. And somehow I am unable to sum it up in certainties.  I spend a full day wondering what I am upto and where have I reached. That we have GPS systems to make our location hunting easier, it is imperative to know exactly where you are so that it can do its work.  So where am I? A whole day of scouting stuff online and in a bookstore and I neared a panic attack. Handling capacities are much better. Test one passed. 
Sometimes even optimism seems like a dark humor, something you need to soon get away from. That is psychosis of the high or…

In Security!

Security. Did I sum it all up when I say this word. I hear this word a lot. Infact, I have been hearing for as long as ever from my parents, peers, mentors, teachers. Why is security such a big deal. Life is nothing but perpetual uncertainty yet planning, society norms, rituals and paperwork is something we depend our life on.

There are two aspects to this. One is when you really freak out and do everything it takes to secure yourself. You will count what you do, what you get. Give as much as you get and never get into a risky scenario.
Most of the general public lives by this.
Then there is a maddening aspect - where you will build yourself strongly for every insecurity, keep replaying the lack of it in your head and wait for it to actually happen in your life so you feel good you invested in a kind of security insurance program. (Well I don't think even being prepared for your worst loss actually subtracts anything from the pain you may feel then.) But as we evolved and lost ou…

Tis a Saturday Night ;)

A slow day... I love differentitating days based on feelings. A day where I wanted to run, but it wanted me to slow down. A perfect wine n titbits day to go with mindless sitcom watching, laughter n me time before I find another song on the sound track and start grooving like there is no tomorrow.

My days are pretty much routine, n I intend to be a little more smooth with the operations. My priorities settled, it should be easier to operate around the clock. But sometimes, I sway to my own rhythm.

Like checking out the supermarket just like that, buying second hand magazines, trying out clothes not at all interested in buying, creating my own version of the last Adele song I heard and wishing someone recorded the audio and video simultaneosly. Watching a crap movie to bash the hell out of it, calling a random friend and making him talk on controversial subjects and laughing away in silence on the other end of the phone. Purposely mixing up dishes in the kitchen and wonder how it tast…

Aggression personified?

We are young and angry. Our actions show our restlessness when we so want things to go our way and situations to be in our control. It is then positively and constructively necessary for progression.

I loved being angry, reckless and unabashedly ruthlessly rude. I didn't enjoy it. It just became a part of me coz otherwise I was this timid, self less, poor creature getting swayed by anyone. Well, who was going to see that. I grew up in violence, the one that you can't bear to digest every night and go to sleep with. But sleep, I had to. And I learnt to sleep with whatever happened.
Eventually, it became a part of my slumbered consciousness and it started reflecting in everything I did. For me, I was still a timid creature trying to find its way across and fighting demons along the way. Basically I was fighting just anyone and demons...I did not who they were.

Till a few years ago, as I played fair with this big, bad world... I never minced my painful words. I thought what harm…

Story Teller

In my respite of just meeting people and figuring out things with their opinions n guidance, I unearthed some interesting facts about people. Well for me, I have always been this person to have asked my friends, peers what would they do in my situation and what best should I do for myself. Right now, it sounds stupid to me as well. But looking at the brighter side I have observed people long enough that they ended up completely revealing themselves to me. Towards the end of the talk, it used to only be about what they think is the best for them and how well it works. 
I think asking for help, generally is interpreted to that person that somebody is asking for a way of life. And they start to preach you about how you must live your life, make your choices. 
For me it worked. I completely lost focus of my problems as my mind got fodder to churn. And it was interesting to note the different characters hidden under those people. As a film maker, this is crucial research information. And I p…

Fiction piece

It was a hazy Sunday afternoon. She was sitting by the window looking up at the dull sky. Her look was consistent and intense as if it ordered the sky to change its look. She kept sipping her tea slowly. She never liked to drink her tea in a haste. It had to stay as long as she believed it could. That was her satisfaction. Her thoughts were clouding her just like the sky.. she hated them. Her fight was unconsciously making her sip the tea faster. 
The evening before had not been a pleasant one. His words were ringing. How could Volt..?? He did not hurt her as much as she was hurting herself now. Why did she ever trust him? She couldn't let go. The tea was gulped down and the cup went straight back to its place. Not a good sign.
Earlier evening -  Joh walked towards the cafe. She always did. It gave her the 10 odd minutes before the meeting to pace down and arrive at just the right time. Fingers fidgeting, she checked her phone every 4th second. She saw his car pull up outside the caf…

Its magic on the floor

A free spirit,
A laugh fresh from inside,
A smile that kills,
as he sways to the rhythm of life
I love to watch him dance..

Who cares about perfection,
when you are on the floor,
and care he doesn't
as he moves to the beat,
and the music

His body flows like a wave,
his energy comes hurtling at me,
as I clasp in his awesomeness..
That it could be such a delight
to express oneself..

The magic engulfs, as I
let my hair do the talking,
we move and fly across the floor,
in a slow rhythm,
as goes in my imagination

I reach for his smiling face,
and enlighten my own...
we share the laugh,
spill the happiness,
and float around,
to someone else.

Grooving to the heartbeat,
swaying like the blood
all alive, yes this is life.
But who can explain,
that killer smile,
n the feelings that arise
All in me.


Always vocal. Aren't we? When do we shut up?
The house is quiet, yet screaming..
Water runs for no purpose,
Plates make so much noise,
I hear glass, its gonna break,
and it does..

Every element is talking
for the person who yearns to,
there is friction,
every act is making sound,
inner desires r burstling out,
loneliness is killing you,
yet, you take your plate and eat

No one knows love,
no one knows what you lose,
but the stomach is hungry,
the soul is starving,
What is left..
break glass..
Its a settled feeling,
that something is happening,

As they bleed,
we all succumb into our own web,
we are all silent,
but we are screaming.

And the glass will break..
just like my heart,
broken , unbroken
just like what you do with leftover glass,
you break it as much,
its useless, so break it,
the feel of relief to do so

Ears can't close,
the mind gets stronger,
voices you can't drown.
just as they stop outside,
they take over from the inside..

Just if, there was no desire,
to eat, …

Crashed, Burned, Saved, Survived, Loved

Crash And Burn by Savage Garden 

When you feel all aloneAnd the world has turned its back on youGive me a moment pleaseTo tame your wild, wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on youIt's hard to find reliefAnd people can be so coldWhen darkness is upon your doorAnd you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you callIf you jump I'll break your fallLift you up and fly away with you into the nightIf you need to fall apartI can mend a broken heartIf you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
When you feel all aloneAnd a loyal friend is hard to findYou're caught in a one-way streetWith the monsters in your headWhen hopes and dreams are far awayAnd you feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you callIf you jump I'll break your fallLift you up and fly away with you into the nightIf you need to fall apartI can mend a broken heartIf you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone
Because there has always bee…


If the tense of my blog subject should say anything, I would like to attribute this to my living in the present. It takes a while to get rid of your earlier beliefs, notions and way of living.
My habits were more of a personal remorse nature. Nobody outside had anything to do with it. I lived on an existential plane of my own ideas and sorry but no one was invited there. Why would you wanna know?

I make oh so many plans.... Plans which enable me to live as if its a reason necessary to. No plan and I almost coolly conclude my life to be over so what if I was still breathing. As dark as the humor of life, I have got this dark humor of my own for life. We live in fair play. Again, my need to have everything be fair.

I am a freak when it comes to control. Things have to be in order, surprises have to be guessable and change is welcome but my mind should have done the recce of the new space beforehand. I gallantly have been placing my own bets and shoulds on how things should unfold with me.

Good ol' hair days

Whatever happened to men with nice, flowing, silky hair..
This thought perturbed me whenever I saw a hot piece of ass and moved my eyes up.. 'Yikess! The hair.'
You may think me judgemental and very hair freaky but I did not pay much attention to it till ofcourse it was mentioned to me as to what a hair really is to a man.

I always loved the eyes. A freely given smile or a hearty laugh and I was done. I was never really into a man's body as such. I hated over worked out looks. Those 'watermelons under my under arms and awkward walk coz I forgot to work my legs out' - loathe it.
Over gelled, martian looks, eyebrows better than mine and cleaned up skin - god I need men back.

I dated someone with the hair of a porcupine. Everytime I wanted to express my fondness and move my hand into his hair I got the red flag - "It takes too much effort to set them like that. Ohh. I gelled my hair too young and now I have very rough, straight growth of hair. So please, don't tou…

Truth about Lies

One of the first lessons that I remember learning when I was small was to always tell the truth. I took it very seriously. Just when I was settling with a bare open relationship between truth and me and whoever demanded that truth, I also got introduced to some people as 'elders', caretakers, relatives, important office people from my parents's work places. That is when I was told to behave myself, never eat more than one cookie, to say that I loved their food eventhough the curry lacked spice. My confused face started since then. I never knew - whether the truth really mattered. But as a whole, I was again reminded to speak the truth - always. 
What I happened to take from here was a lesson that no matter how tough, how heart breaking, I shall always be truthful. I would tell my aunt her food sucked, I would beat up my brother if he lied, I would tell some guests to go away from home because I wanted to sleep and in no mood to entertain. I thought I was being brave and fai…

Clean your slate

'Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.'

What are you made of? You are cells, tissues, blood, heartbeat, thoughts.. What is your personality? Is it your thoughts..yes your thoughts over a lifetime. Thoughts become beliefs, beliefs become character. Its the hugest investment in your life. Your beliefs and your experience make up your personality.
So basically your personality is nothing but your baggage. No baggage is no personality. Which is then the samadhi state of realization that you are One with the Universe.

As much it is important to be the Person that you are as of now, it's important for some introspection to seep into your routine life from time to time to clean your slate.
We are humans. The base of our instincts and our knowledge is the wisdom of the evolution over all the years. We are bound to compare, judge. No matter how much we want we cannot escape these attributes because these are our own.

So take your time …

My Notes - Part 1

'I wanted to reach what was right on the right paths. And so I began to live mistaken.'  go the great words of Antonio Porchia 

My Notes on BB started in Delhi. I had stayed over at a friend's place. I vividly remember that first night. It was a dark room and the whole house scared me with its first look because it seemed haunted. It was 2 am in the night. A realization dawned onto me. I hurried to scribble it down. That's when my BB came n handy. 
'I have lived my life trying to prove something to someone. My life is not my own. I go way far to be accepted, loved and valued. And I did not get any. 
I am living someone else's priorities. I have gone far enough to make someone's life my own. I felt I was escaping horror. I now realize this is the very horror.  I would be hurt by judgments. I hate them, loathe them. But I did not hate those who made those judgments. I instead tried loving them more and I took upon the task to self manipulate my way into their live…