Thursday, January 31, 2013

Truth about Lies

One of the first lessons that I remember learning when I was small was to always tell the truth. I took it very seriously. Just when I was settling with a bare open relationship between truth and me and whoever demanded that truth, I also got introduced to some people as 'elders', caretakers, relatives, important office people from my parents's work places. That is when I was told to behave myself, never eat more than one cookie, to say that I loved their food eventhough the curry lacked spice. My confused face started since then. I never knew - whether the truth really mattered. But as a whole, I was again reminded to speak the truth - always. 

What I happened to take from here was a lesson that no matter how tough, how heart breaking, I shall always be truthful. I would tell my aunt her food sucked, I would beat up my brother if he lied, I would tell some guests to go away from home because I wanted to sleep and in no mood to entertain. I thought I was being brave and fair, I was speaking the truth. 

I eventually realized nobody likes to hear the truth. Even if they advocate it, even if they wanted it..they will still frown upon HOW I told them the truth. 
I, according to my folks, am a rude person. I only talk things which hurt. So my next question was whether I should lie. But I could not. I should learn to pretend. I could not. The first lesson was deeply ingrained in my sub conscious and I took pride in the fact that I could say the truth without any sugar coating. 

I thought I was real. No. I was a fool. People don't like you to tell them whats true or lie. They want you to make them feel important, loved and even if its the harshest thing, say it with all the love and humility to ease the blow. 

I just love to honestly talk about the worst things more than the beautfiul things. Because when you appreciate, as a default nobody takes it so seriously. Tell them 'you suck' and they want to know why. So its never about being rigid with your beliefs. They have to be altered with reference to situations, conditions, people - all of which don't give respect to the 'truth' according to me. 

Eventually I chanced upon what truth is. Truth is not talking something honest devoid of any emotion, like a fact. Truth just is. I talk or I don't. It will exist on its own. Even when you excuse people or take a leave in office saying you have a headache, they all know you are lying. But this is socially acceptable. It is the way we live. 
What would we all be without lies. We have different degrees to lying but truth is complete in itself. Just like light, which can be dim or bright but darkness is totality. 
And as far as my seeking goes, I am not interested in the varying shades of lies but in the totality of the truth. 

Truthfully saying, as of now in my life, I do not know whether I am still the truth person or the bigesst liar. 
Because this analysis and justification of true, lies and the human interaction has numbed my understanding and beliefs. I catch myself in a conversation, talking the biggest crap because otherwise I would not have any conversation with the other person at all. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Clean your slate

'Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.'

What are you made of? You are cells, tissues, blood, heartbeat, thoughts.. What is your personality? Is it your thoughts..yes your thoughts over a lifetime. Thoughts become beliefs, beliefs become character. Its the hugest investment in your life. Your beliefs and your experience make up your personality.
So basically your personality is nothing but your baggage. No baggage is no personality. Which is then the samadhi state of realization that you are One with the Universe.

As much it is important to be the Person that you are as of now, it's important for some introspection to seep into your routine life from time to time to clean your slate.
We are humans. The base of our instincts and our knowledge is the wisdom of the evolution over all the years. We are bound to compare, judge. No matter how much we want we cannot escape these attributes because these are our own.

So take your time and clean up the residue that may stick around in your mind. So that you can allow the newer experiences and wisdom to take root.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

My Notes - Part 1

'I wanted to reach what was right on the right paths. And so I began to live mistaken.'  go the great words of Antonio Porchia 

My Notes on BB started in Delhi. I had stayed over at a friend's place. I vividly remember that first night. It was a dark room and the whole house scared me with its first look because it seemed haunted. It was 2 am in the night. A realization dawned onto me.
I hurried to scribble it down. That's when my BB came n handy. 

'I have lived my life trying to prove something to someone. My life is not my own. I go way far to be accepted, loved and valued. And I did not get any. 
I am living someone else's priorities. I have gone far enough to make someone's life my own. I felt I was escaping horror. I now realize this is the very horror. 
I would be hurt by judgments. I hate them, loathe them. But I did not hate those who made those judgments. I instead tried loving them more and I took upon the task to self manipulate my way into their lives so I can stand as that unshakable epitome of Perfection.'

I would customize and rewire my thoughts, attitudes and actions or I believed I managed it well. But eventually in some months, the facade would give way. I would see myself as an eccentric, rebellious, frenzied, hapless soul on fire. Something totally beyond my control took me over and made me react like no other normal entity. 

I was in denial. I had a tough time accepting that there was a person that was me. I manipulated it as many times as to not know which one was really me. 
I woke up that night and I knew that there would come a moment now wherein I will have to face it and accept it as an indelible part of me. Such confrontations are bold and necessary to life. But we take the route to hide from it;not realizing that nothing is hidden. We only allow the fear to take over.
I never looked back post that realization. Some relations were hurt but that was what I was trying to save every other time,by killing a little part of me in the process. They had to be hurt. How could they digest this revelation about me that I myself thwarted aside as a lie. 
I allowed the damage to happen. Again I label it damaging yet. It was life saving for me. Damaging for someone's reliance on that Part of me which wasn't me.  Maybe that's what they call 'evolution'. 

Though I still have to remind myself to be in my essence and not let anyone walk over me with their strong opinions, it is a conscious, long process.
It was dark. That night it was very very dark.