Sunday, January 13, 2013

My Notes - Part 1


'I wanted to reach what was right on the right paths. And so I began to live mistaken.'  go the great words of Antonio Porchia 


My Notes on BB started in Delhi. I had stayed over at a friend's place. I vividly remember that first night. It was a dark room and the whole house scared me with its first look because it seemed haunted. It was 2 am in the night. A realization dawned onto me.
I hurried to scribble it down. That's when my BB came n handy. 

'I have lived my life trying to prove something to someone. My life is not my own. I go way far to be accepted, loved and valued. And I did not get any. 
I am living someone else's priorities. I have gone far enough to make someone's life my own. I felt I was escaping horror. I now realize this is the very horror. 
I would be hurt by judgments. I hate them, loathe them. But I did not hate those who made those judgments. I instead tried loving them more and I took upon the task to self manipulate my way into their lives so I can stand as that unshakable epitome of Perfection.'

I would customize and rewire my thoughts, attitudes and actions or I believed I managed it well. But eventually in some months, the facade would give way. I would see myself as an eccentric, rebellious, frenzied, hapless soul on fire. Something totally beyond my control took me over and made me react like no other normal entity. 

I was in denial. I had a tough time accepting that there was a person that was me. I manipulated it as many times as to not know which one was really me. 
I woke up that night and I knew that there would come a moment now wherein I will have to face it and accept it as an indelible part of me. Such confrontations are bold and necessary to life. But we take the route to hide from it;not realizing that nothing is hidden. We only allow the fear to take over.
I never looked back post that realization. Some relations were hurt but that was what I was trying to save every other time,by killing a little part of me in the process. They had to be hurt. How could they digest this revelation about me that I myself thwarted aside as a lie. 
I allowed the damage to happen. Again I label it damaging yet. It was life saving for me. Damaging for someone's reliance on that Part of me which wasn't me.  Maybe that's what they call 'evolution'. 

Though I still have to remind myself to be in my essence and not let anyone walk over me with their strong opinions, it is a conscious, long process.
It was dark. That night it was very very dark. 


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