If the tense of my blog subject should say anything, I would like to attribute this to my living in the present. It takes a while to get rid of your earlier beliefs, notions and way of living.
My habits were more of a personal remorse nature. Nobody outside had anything to do with it. I lived on an existential plane of my own ideas and sorry but no one was invited there. Why would you wanna know?

I make oh so many plans.... Plans which enable me to live as if its a reason necessary to. No plan and I almost coolly conclude my life to be over so what if I was still breathing. As dark as the humor of life, I have got this dark humor of my own for life. We live in fair play. Again, my need to have everything be fair.

I am a freak when it comes to control. Things have to be in order, surprises have to be guessable and change is welcome but my mind should have done the recce of the new space beforehand. I gallantly have been placing my own bets and shoulds on how things should unfold with me.
I encourage this humongous task on The Almighty force of life to shake me from the core and jerk me out of stupid rigid fallacies. And succeed it does eventually. What were my plans!

Incidentally, welcoming a sea change in the arena of thought control, I decided to give it all up.
It was not working out. I overworked without pay, my poor hapless but seeking mind, to stop investing itself on the volatility of the power of this amazing life.

I do understand the nuances of surrender. You know what I mean.. When you push all the responsibility and blame on that unknown faithful, hopeful entity to take care of you. Seems fine to start with. But babe, I ain't stopping thinking. I need to know, I need to work my thought through.
Can't unthink and not think.

I have given up the need to know. I don't wanna know. Yes somethings will
go...some places I won't be available, some one will get hurt, someone won't be able to take this change. Fine, I can't help it. It's not me. I want this machine inside to rest a while.
I want it to feel and laze and still know that it's taken care of.

It's raining. Let it rain.
Wash away the thoughts,
Dust away those layers,
Undo the scars, if you may...
I am coming home,
Give me space.


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