We are young and angry. Our actions show our restlessness when we so want things to go our way and situations to be in our control. It is then positively and constructively necessary for progression.
I loved being angry, reckless and unabashedly ruthlessly rude. I didn't enjoy it. It just became a part of me coz otherwise I was this timid, self less, poor creature getting swayed by anyone. Well, who was going to see that. I grew up in violence, the one that you can't bear to digest every night and go to sleep with. But sleep, I had to. And I learnt to sleep with whatever happened.
Eventually, it became a part of my slumbered consciousness and it started reflecting in everything I did. For me, I was still a timid creature trying to find its way across and fighting demons along the way. Basically I was fighting just anyone and demons...I did not who they were.
Till a few years ago, as I played fair with this big, bad world... I never minced my painful words. I thought what harm can words do any which ways. We all talk bullshit most of the time. No matter how many chances I gave to people, they never acted or stood by what they said. So it was perfectly fine to be as crazy and let it out of my system in the most outspoken words.
In this menace, I shattered people. Those who live with me everyday. Their curiosity was my trigger point and my hurt was my defense. We all spoke what we never meant. But words, my friends, they stay.
They make a slow place inside your head and haunt you. You have to live with them so they do change something in you. A spiral of such repeated instances and some enlightened streak of lightening that must have passed through me, I was suddenly aware that if, and only if, I stop looking at these creatures as being perfect and out to get me and just allow them to be human, miserable and in a much worse state than me, will my words matter?
N when you are gifted with a new perception, those same things, threats start looking like pitiful conditions when someone needed your attention much more than hurting you deliberately. That there is no escaping communicating with anyone. Let it be your enemy for that matter.
When I shut myself and thought, if no words pass through me, nothing will ever change and no one would suffer.. little did I know what a grave sin that possibly is.
So stopping communication, avoiding people, places, any social confrontations... I reached a point where living also seemed a burdened non necessity. Locked up in my house and more so in my thoughts, I grew to be anti social.
It takes a life out of you to unlearn and relearn your lessons and beliefs. I came to terms with the fact that I caused much worse hurt when I was silent than when I chose the wrong words and hurtled them.
Today was such a day.... In a wake of certain irritations and my dipping sustenance of nonsense, I spoke what I felt and bashed up the unsuspecting, not so capable person in front of me and reduced him to pieces.
It felt really bad. I haven't regretted this in a long time. It got me thinking again - of all the times -- I was quiet and suffering, then the phase where I was bashing everything coming my way, then getting drained and staying low, being anti social and again trying to pinch my tongue to talk appropriate.....eventually Does It All Matter?
Maybe I don't reach my goals as much, maybe I made a little less money, maybe someone pushed me on the subway, maybe they cut lanes and jerked ahead of me, maybe they walked all over me.... What Have I Really Lost?
Nothing. When your giant ego goes away..... there remains no comparison, no judgement. You may getting walked over and used and yet you maybe enjoying the whole process. So it just comes down to going deep inside. That universe which is yours. If you enjoy being screwed in life, then no one else can call it pain.
So is my aggression to make my point necessary? No. Its not.